A Thousand Splendid Suns

well another splendid book from Khaled Hosseini.... well still think his first book, Kite Runner, was much better.. nevertheless this book is worth the buy and the lazy day or two i spent reading it! heh!!

sad, made me look more into the Afghan situation, why we tear ourselves like that or oppress a gender, but like i always said for us to live as well as we do, 10 other pple have to continue to live on poverty lines, but still do we give it up probably not.. i know i havent.. but i recognize that my actions are indirectly contributing to the misery of many others..

anyways off for now!

Independence

my independence.... is there a moment in your life.. whereby you realise you have grown past your parents ... its hard to put into words coz we never wanna think we move on from our parents.. that they were just a base... but sometimes crudely put that might just be it. or is it a generation gap... whatever it is.. in my case .. i feel that i am different and so many things and if i went back home i will be boxed hole in a particular type.. i mean i want to be there for my parents.. but i dont want them to dictate my attire.. if i can lock my room door if i can go out late. I dont want them to force me to be a good indian girl.. i am not .. i dont like alot of the indian men and women concepts they have and despise it. i dont intend to get married to a guy with such morals.. i rather be a spinster.. and have a fab career then "enslave" myself.

and you know what it is... its not that i know better than i parents i just know and have lived something different.

i just dont care for it. and i dont want to come into daily conflict on it. I want to shop to my hearts desire... try different fashions, wear heels... i wanna fly .. fly so high.. i dont strings to tie me down... to dare to be different im torn between having a heart that aches to be there for my sister and mother and dad to wanting to fly fly away...

so ironic that independence is a burden, a responsibility but maybe just maybe its a blissful burden.

My Calvin and Hobbs Moments

Exams are around the corner... dissertation is just handed in and have a million courseworks.... well read on and have a laff!:D

coming back

So this is yet another post after a long break.. but this time with more conviction to keep this webpage going and to actually learn how to deal with all the HTML stuff..

so i spoke about finding the strength... and i think though it took me 9 mths or so.. i think i have eventually come to terms with it and made the turn i have to... made the plan.. made the conviction that i will allow no one and i mean no one to take the dream away from me and as long as there is a little light down the tunnel that i can see.. i will keep fighting in the darkness till i get there.. coz my oh my oh my.. will it be good when i am there and i will try everything in my book.

well i have so much to say these days... but i am gonna write a few other posts all in due time.. maybe tomorrow when i need a break from work. but for now hello all again and so long kiddos.

the twists and turns

Has your life been stripped bare.. for you to see.. with nothing.. but that dream you dreamt when you were a lil kid.. and you struggle to hold on to it.. will it come true someday.. if i try hard enough will it happen?... where is my destiny?... where's my future.. who will be in it...?

Have you ever felt so much pain.. when you look into the eyes of your parents that you cant bare to deal with it.. and you pretend its all okay... but it wrenches your heart into pieces..

and you know they have got it all wrong..about you.. they think i dont care.. but you are all that the world means to me.. you are my lighthouse .. my guidance .. my safehouse..

Now my life is being turned upside down.. did i ever thing.. i will hear without pple i have come to love and rely on.. Did i think life will take this twist.. to stip me bare to catch me off guard..

But i always say.. god tests those who can bare it... and im sure some where i must have the strength.. if i dont god i pray you give the strength to face rejection to persererve with life.. with its turmoils.. for without the lows there wont be highs as well.

I love you Ma, Pa and Lil one.. you guys mean the world to me.... Never forget that and Ma thank you so much for the food... i miss it everyday.

The Manly Woman

its 10.51am on a saturday morning.. after hours of tossing and turning on the floor at my friends... Here's the deal.. i am not very emotional in front of pple i dont feel a need for others to know that about me except a select few... i bite my tongue till it hurts and keep it inside , except with a few close friends... but that does not mean i dont have emotions..

And yest i was labelled a Manly Woman by a sort of friend.. technically it should not bother me at all... because it means i dont need no man in my life.. but when guys are all lovely dovey to other girls and they blatantly act differently with you because dont feel like they can wrap their arms ard my small frame and keep me warm or take care of me... is it so bad to be able to do things for your self...

but that label was the epitome of what men saw in me.. a fierce big girl i guess who doesnt need taking anyone... but you know what i need pple

But the whole world doesnt need to know......

If onli you would bother to get to know me... you would know i wld die for a hug or cuddle so bad.. someone to support you to say everything is gonna be okay ... and that i want a partner who is there mentally, emotionally and physically for me...

but you dont and you make crude remarks .... men look at my nice and retreat away... sheepishly giggle and move away.. what the hell is wrong with yall.. sometimes i wish they were never born.

But onli makes me want to treasure and keep my ex ard even more.. he is the onli one who saw me as a girl.. it took me a few months to open up to him as well.. but he he has seen me cry so much... at the bottom of my weakness and insecurities and he would hold me in his arms with care and love.... treat me like a lady.

to all the men out there... a girl might be independant coz she needs to take care of herself in this world... but never ever forget she is a girl... and she has the same feelings as the small framed, pretty woman who acts like she needs you so much.

Life's a bitch at times. It may Hurt, but i will not conform to what i said i wont be... just to earn your desires...

hmm do i need to give a title to ramblings?

I know it looks like i never come to update my blog.. but i do come to it.. i read my own entries.. and for the last few months.. i just could not open up to say much.. i dont know why? actually i still dont.

i want to forget everything i just want to sit in the cold with a friend and watch the world go by, i dont anything else... i feel like i have lost it all.. there is truly no safety net in my life, no bf he's gone.. the friends have here feels like its only time before they are gone.. and all i have to go back to is home. which wld be nice but i am not excited about.

I need to do something.. drastic but i cant seem to figure it... ever felt like nothing gives you pleasure. i am just empty.. nothing makes you smile.. whatever does for a min i want it for an hour. for days for my life.

and i have a ton of work to do.. so i am gonna go.

When the going gets tough... the tough start going...

Well here's the deal... Since i left Singapore, i am away from the bitching.. the putting me down.. neglecting me in groups.. and having to fight....

Here i am comfortable.. and stable.. have friends who love and adore me .. and im a hot party organiser and i love it...

But its also mellowed me down.. im not fiesty... im starting to lose the fight in me... but the time for it to kick back is here.... coz i am gonna break away from this cozy world.. of University and friends... and i need to sort it out soon..

I know what i want, and im gonna go get it.

And you are no one to say i cant get it... it i dont get it the first time.. fine.. i will keep trying ..till i get it.. i never feared not succeeding.. coz i will.... i just will...

Its plain simple Faith..

If I never take this leap of faith, I'll never know

so...I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow....

And that is the hardest thing to do... to be independant.. and to live life for yourself.. you are no longer doing something coz your parents told you .. or you ought to do it.. and im not talking about childish defiance in clubbin/smoking/drinkin etc...

I mean in life... when is it that parents stop leading and you do.... its actually quite difficult... coz you feel like you are being pushed from a plane without your parachute( parent) that used to make sure you landed safely.. and now somehow you need to land safely ... and its all hitting me... so quickly.. im scared that before i can sort it out... i will land with a thud..

What is life meant to be... what will it be.... who will we be?

My boyfriend has gone to India after something like 4 years to see his parentals and brother and family basically... he's been too estatic to miss me pretty much...( dont blame him though i wld be like that if i went back home after 4 yrs) but you know when the day is over and the night dawns on you.....
I just miss him.. plain and simple... Pure missing him... i ache to pick up the phone and ring him like i used to bug him.... and share everything abt everyday... I you back... so selfishly want you here....


my safety nets are slowly eroding away.. what am i to do?

Lost

hey yall,

Its been ages since i last updated the blog... but its been crazy times... at home and here.. so much drama in the world in my life.. i dont know what to do where to be

Have you ever felt so lost... nothing in life makes sense... like you are living someone else's life..
like you think. was i here.. do i know you.. what was i thinking.. it all doesnt make any sense... if this was my life.. why does in not feel right anymore...

Why doesnt my law degree or the career or my family or my boyfriend make sense anymore..
more than ever i have all the friends yet i feel so alone....
everyone tells me im great... but i dont feel it... i would just about do anything just to feel alive .. just for a moment..

and you know you cant afford to waste this time for it will never come back again... the youth the age.. the years.. and the fun.. and carefree attitude.. the pressure of nostalgia is momentous..
what do i do now.... where do i go god? what have you planned for me?... are they all just hopes that will never be?

im whirling in changes, unable to find myself... can anyone understand me? or hear me?


Anyone.

Did you say you are a Human?

My sincere condolences to those affected by the London Blasts.. its a inhumane thing to do.
And thank you god for keeping an eye out for all my friends and family. Somewhere in my heart i do hope it never happenend.... these are places i have been to.. walked the streets.. knew people who lived there...

When i was a kid... my mum used to distinguish people of various religions and if there was a cross- religious marriage she might say it will be difficult there will be differences and i would say what differences will there be! we are all HUMAN.

But are we truly just humans... a single generic form... can we truly look and appreaciate people of every race, and religions.... can we?

Can we believe in ONE GOD- THE INDESCRIPTAIVE ABOVE, ONE RACE- HUMANS, and ONE RELIGION - HOPE/FAITH??

can we... everyday i look around and i try to hold on that feeling that innocence as i had as a child. but everyday i face discrimination....... between the rich and the poor, the educated and the uneducated, the civil and the uncouth, the ones who think they are beautiful and the ones that are truly beautiful.

Between the various races, how often have we called someone 'majans' and them smelly and coconut oils. we all like to deny it all, the number of times how a chinese person wipes themselves really hard if you accidently brush against them. Or how for e.g. my sister's friend looks at her and says oh im racist against indians oh except you...well you know the dark weird indians... well hun what do you know about indians the first place to make a value judgement. or us who have said they are smelly and all that pigs they eat...
And with white people ... so many asians act as if they are kings and queens allowing them to supress us.... we had it all and still do ... when will the time come when you can look at yourself to say that yes asia and asians do have it all.. we have the resources, the brillance,the beauty, the weather, the culture.... we dont have to be open and hug and kiss in the open its okay to believe romance is meant to be behind close doors, or divorce , or drugs, or clubs, or drinking.
its nice being with your family,loving behind close doors, sticking together thru thick and thin, being clean and sober.
( dont forget we think we are worser off, coz we follow the western media which perceives us to be lesser than them).

Today... Asia had the first civilisations... our palaces are 10 times bigger than the castles, the queens jewels are from India, we created it math, Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China... and so much more.

When will we just think thats you and this is me.. and we are both equally good. and one isnt better than the other and we dont have to superimpose each other

Why is there so much competition between religions... My god is all knowing... he is after all intangible and can you prove anything.. but i am not an athetist.. i belive there is somwthing wonderful beyond us... but i also like to live in the present.. of love and friends and family.. i dont want to fight over gods who may or may not exist. of heaven and hell that i might go do. I want to live for today for peace.
i will admit something now, that i have something against Islam.. not because i dont respect their religion.. because often many muslims have tried to convert me.. and in the process told or implied that i am imperfect no matter how much good i do but beacuse my family and i are not muslim... eventually we will burn in hell. for we are sinners.
and here's one thing... i am who i am... but dont do dare say anything abt my family... for my dad has taken so much shit from me and loved beyond the limits despite all i complain abt.. and mum is an undeying source of comfort.. and one of the best people i know.. and my sister is simply the best. They are good humans.. and you who doesnt even know them or me tells me will go to hell... and i just want to say to hell with yours! It really hurts..

Why cant be one ..of one religion.. of the world.. why so much competition and angst.. Like if we all tot we came from the same nation... we will there be a need for competition.. for oil, a reluctance against the kyoto protocol to save the place that we all live in..

I could go on about so many things.... but all i wanted to say ... is stop looking beyond... especially to asians and singaporeans... there is nothing greater than you... yes you.. god has given you all to make you happy.. and he hasnt shortchanged you coz he knows you personality and knows what you desire most.. and its there and its up to you to make use of it such is the great beauty of life.. be it anything you want you have the power within you to achieve it and to work for everything. but you always look for it somewhere else, be it money, clothes, plastic surgery this is momentary happiness it will not sustain you.


IF ONLY WE COULD ALL LIVE AS ONE...

The Summer of Superheros

hey hey yall,

got my results and they went as i had hoped for.. something i dont get to say very often so thank you god! and of course my mom and pops.. although they are already obessed with what has to be done for next year rather than what i got now! and my lil sis for being a comfort! and thank u brain for doing it right! after all after some 20 years of battling with me its abt time we got along. :D


Anyways, i wanted to write ... about this latest phenmonen of the revival of superheros... but why this sudden obession that we have with them.. is it our inherent need in times of such turmoil to belief that good does exist and that it will prevail beyond everything else and most of all evil.
whether it has to do with evils like bush, religious fanatics, discrimination of all sorts. IS IT OUR SECRET MANIFESTATION TO BELIEF THE GOOD PREVAILS OVER THE EVIL??

i cant say but hey... i know despite all the odds in life... i belief.. goodness will prevail, never let yourself become cynical... life will throw many challenges along with it god will give you the ability to get through it learn lessons and become a better person.. but he wont hold your hands and lead you thru it , that ... is truly up to you.

I know one thing... if it wasnt for that innocent belief that i will someday make it, i will not be here coz i will tell you one thing it has always been an upward struggle for me..... and now i hope that i can hold onto that belief.

insanity is driving me away.

so much with so little time

well today was my first day of work in yet another law firm and internship... dont know if the emotions i have , have anything to do with it...

just one of those days when you realise, the onli constant in life is change but thru it all i have u yes you my love(sorry for sounding soppy but man its been 2 very long weeks with like another 10 more to go !!)... my TRUE friends( u know who u are ... without me having to mention ya) and my sis, mum and pops... that give a sense a comfort that is beyond all i can ask for.

muacks

i wanted to tell yall abt my day at work.. all the details...
NUS clique - the law scene... tiring life... but niceish! - another time maybe

Where is my utopia?

Im often sat around thinkin when did life get so complicated, I tot as i get older.. i will be in control.. and i will sort things out and there will be minimal problems apparently not eh?

Been back home for about a week and half and i have been so busy with random stuff and its hard to blog with my laptop in the living room andmy family always around... not that i dont appreciate it but it is always hard adjusting frm all that space to none at all.

A rare oppurtunity to blog i guess.. will be working from monday onwards.. and still have loads of people to catch up with well i guess i have to find consolance in the fact that i have all the weekends and i shld plan wisely.

It is really annoying when during each break and holiday since i got into uni, im always doing something.. internships... work with pops... catch on work .. do essays.... i guess i shld also be grateful for em the job oppurtunties etc but i miss the chilling out when all was taken care of.. so tiring man!! and im not even 21... i guess its a matter of getting used to.. but then again i cld never not do nothing for very long either!!

when and how will i find my utopia!!... in terms of what i want.. the place to be... that is another great conflict i dont know if i really want to apply to UK firms... like to i really want to live in the UK... i mean the longer i there i am getting used to it... see at the end of the they may not offer me anything... i keep telling myself apply as if you want to and see what happens.. onli thing more than moi freedom is deeps( bf) whom i will miss..

I mean its onli been abt 2 weeks.. its not like the last time where it was crazy infautation but not its way more stable but not easier by any means...

there are loads of stuff i want to talk about... China coming up... the Asian attitude of sucking up to whites and the west when we have and always had everything and they ripped it frm us... i mean needless to say the west are good certain things.. languages, law, images and marketing things.... but they do not have a culture or clothes or resources like we do yet we dont seem to get it....

I guess one has to be there to understand it... more on in another time.

salad - family - chinese - life

Another Year.... A another Year worth of Memories.... 

Life's Like a Trade Cycle.

First thing.. first...Hey nadz, thanks for all your comments babes... its nice to have some perspective on things and to know someone reads moi Blog heh!!

Anyway .... i have not blogged for a while.. coz have been busy with my exams.. and then was at my bf's havent seen him like 5 weeks so it was a super long bank holiday here and i enjoyed my time...

But it made me realise why humans tend to mate( reliance, comfort, dependance... these mundane things no one appreciates)... how many times have you had a friend... a good one or even a decent family friend let you down... coz something else important came up... they feel bad but could not do anything about it... ( in my heart i know its not their fault but i still feel angry at them for letting me down...) and it has happenend to me like two major times this year... you realise... when you are far away from home without a family you tend to rely on your friends alot more... but as much as friends are fantastic (and this excludes those great loyal trusting fantastic friends)... they may not always come thru....

Dont you miss the secondary school days when everyone did everything a part of a group or rather a clique and you would never say no... those undying promises of great friendships... of saying a true friend is one who is always there and who always come thru for u...
What happenend to the great value of friendship? what happenend to that sense of dependance, bonding and trust... it seems to have dissolved against an inherent need to be self centred and impossibly self oriented! and relationships - when pple get coupled except a few couples u never see em apart!!?
Me . Myself .I ..... What happened to those days you cared for others and respected others.... and they were not some mere competition in the game that you had to be better off?

Now friends mean they will be there... to hang around... laugh... movies.. dinners and parties Werent friends supposed to be there thru the happiness and misery? or have the rules changed and no one's bothered to inform me.

I dont know i put my friends high up there.... but how come the favour isnt being returned?

Of everyone i have had in the last year its only my BF i feel i can call up and who will truly help me out... isnt it sad when a day comes, when you can onli trust about 10 pple to help me out in a population of 6 billion? The irony...

Oh well life evolves it goes down and then it comes up... and life will onli keep going down if you let it be!

Insanity it is but truly bizzare

Alone

Hey there,
Know the blog has been a bit empty for a while, not that i didnt have anything to say ( like when has that happenend!!) but i havent had the time coz i am going thru exams!
just finished my first paper.... its suddenly dawning on me its the end of my second year. I have already almost lived 2/3 of the dream i wished for since i was about 14. Im not ready to let go i dont want to. Its so difficult, especially when i know next year is gonna be my final year, it will lots of work and i will be by myself in the halls ..( dont ask why long story) and i still miss all the fun i had in the first year, my bf who was always there, and he has moved away and i dont feel i can rely on him much anymore... he has work, he has a life... its not all about me and thats how it is.

Just feel alone... and i dont quite wanna let this go... its too difficult... i dream is flying by too quick. Im so nostalgic. oh i dont know. i have 2 exams and i dont have time for this, but i think u guys will get what i mean...
I miss home, but i will so miss this ... this here its my life.( with monetary contribution frm dad)

Oh im in a rubbish mood. anyway... will write later when im more composed and together.

A little bit of Hot, A little bit of Intense, A little bit of Smart, A little bit of Sexy = Me....

Okay the title is totally random, but it has nothing to do with what i am gonna be writing..
Today's the day britain goes to the polls.. haha and these pple dont even know the power they have in their hands?!!... Well all of one person in my flat voted.. mainly coz 3 of us are international students who cant and out of the 4, onli helen did and the others.. simply forgot their voting papers at home. Nice....

All i have to say is that now that you did not vote... Dont moan when there is high taxes when you are working, Top Up fees and huge Loans etc.. you did not put your bit in to say about what you wanted..

Its this attitude pple carry of im onli 1 in 6 billion or 44 million what is my vote gonna do! or how does me saving water or electricity help the world.. or what is my 10p gonna do for the poor?
This huge lack of proactiveness!!.. i cant stand.

I will tell you what i believe.. i may be one person.. what i believe i can change the world if i want to... so all you lazy sad pathetic pple.. who feel they dont make a difference ya you are right you dont make a difference!... and its no one's fault but yours.

Next thing i have to get off my chest is about the new movie Kingdom of Heaven! its by the same guys frm galdiators etc..

This time ard a conflict between the Muslims and Christians. and the movie is alot about an advocacy of respect and tolerance. These things that we used to advocate and enjoy greatly.. sometimes i think the lack of tolerance and ignorance is onli in britain coz since the 9/11 i have been here ya.. but the thing i forgot, the lethal combination of G.Bush and Osama Bin Laden have changed the face of the earth forever! The biggest two criminals ever. Intolerance and retreating inward is a momentam that is happening all over the world..

And this great divide in people isnt between the christians and muslims, or any other religion or sect of pple. Its between the fanatics of either side and the liberal, respecting pple ( my meaning liberal i dont mean to say you dont have values.. you do and you believe in them but you allow others to believe otherwise or pursue what they want)

The main problem is not with religions but with evangalism!.... who the freak came up with that. i dont mind learning about one's religions but stop trying to convert me, if i say i am happy i am.. what are trying to prove?that my life is truly sad as it is and i need ur version of god ( ie.brainswashed nutty/loony) the more pple you change the more respect you get at ur church? i dont know how it happens but if one more person trys to spread "the love of my god who is the right god who will bring me to heaven" to me
i will slap u! yes u heard it right SLAP U yes u godly child and no the devil isnt making me do it! this is free will!

god is everywhere and he is in my heart and i pray to him and most importantly
i see my gods everyday in my life, my mum and dad.

-Nuff Said-

Will Distance do us apart?

Well you said i guess we are both very busy people....

So if that is the case does that mean there is no time for you an me... coz if it is the case tell me sooner than later.
It is so fustrating... why does it seem like we dont have time for each other without a friend next to you, without work interfering, without being in the cinema, bus... without you being ill or going to fall ill or without the drink... without having to run to the loo or the kitchen to cook something..

Why is it in a whole week.. there is not one full hour we had to ourselves?
just u and me and the walls.

Its like in the beginning you were like an umbrilical cord i needed you to sustain me.. and you had to move.. so i had to tear myself.. but i still depended on you but it was hard to be self sufficient and now slowly and progressively i am moving on... do you want me to move on... coz although i am growing to be indepedant of you .. i am still close to you but if you dont stop pushing me away i might just go...

Here's a little something from my friend Livia's Blog... ( its linked as the funkiest chic in manchester)
"Conceited, contemptuous people who takes relationships for granted ought to know something, relationships between human beings are never constant, neither is it always there, it can be broken as easily as it was first built."


Distance is a physical thing i can look beyond ... but Closeness is a metaphysical thing that has to exist to sustain me.

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul

UNCONQUERABLE

by: William Ernest Henley

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud:
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbow'd.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


-enough said-.